It's the typical "I'm in a perfect relationship but I overheard something that nobody would ever say out loud knowing I'm in the other room" scenario that gets done all of the time on here.
It seems like it doesnt bother your one guy friend all that much and maybe having it a little out in the open will be nice. Your wife acted poorly.
My guess is that she was only sorry he caught her and she's been crying because she's about to become a divorced mom. Own who you are and youll feel so much better. Get your better halves and get the fuck out of my house as I tipped my fedora and winked at my wifes hottest friend who was clearly impressed by my rage erection that had partially split the seam in my relaxed fit Levi 501s. You have a couple of children and a good life up until now. That's what's really completely messed up - she's been joking with pals behind his back for a couple years and never told him she had slipped up. But Im not sure I know anyone who hasnt. Being a bi women in a straight committed relationship, I can connect with you in some sense because I do hear "you can't be bi, you're married to a man" or I had previous partners that were horribly insecure about my sexuality.
I'm conflicted because a lot of men talk about other women,wives,guys etc like that to seem tough and shit, but when a woman says it it makes it the end of the world? I could only imagine how crap you feel right now. If it was truly an accident, she shouldn't keep talking about it, she should always just say "I fucked up in telling you that.
How you treat your relationship with your wife is up to you, but I would say to her that her friends are homophobic and need to never come by the house again. Fuck this situation. And what the fuck do you expect?? Next I called my wife. You seem like you are happy in your relationship (prior to this obviously) and wanting to find a way to work through this and I feel like a lot of counseling is the only way it could possibly happen. I have a key and texted her I needed to stay there for the night and she said of course without any questions asked. I'm not saying she will, I don't know her and can't make that call. this sounds like a case of she only sorry she got caught. Although, bi men have it way worse. Dude, yeah. What she did is disrespectful to you as her husband, to herself as your wife, disrespectful AF to your kids (because they will absolutely hear this rumorone day if you live in a small town) and in my opinion this is a divorce threshold. At 31 years old! This is probably something couples therapy can help you navigate. Maybe things that we say passively just to get our friends to laugh and joke, but arent meant to be taken seriously. What girl no own ya sh*t. I would be scared to death to share those acts with her again.
I wish you the best of luck and although feelings usually subside after sleep, please don't just say everything is alright when this incident has revealed fundamental issues in the relationship's trust and overall what she deems to be acceptable conversations with friends. Do you think she feels the same way about you?? Why should he have to tell the whole world his sexuality? Dont just move on forget, learn from it.
As others have said you've been outed and made fun of for YEARS now and the weight of that should be made apparent to your "wife". No pun intended. As for your wifes friends, if they feel that strongly about your sexual preferences, then fuck em too!
You will never have that trust again. I dont get down with revenge fucks, but if I thought she was super malicious Id be behind that comment. This is divorce worthy. You can't unhear it and if you don't bring it up, your resentment will grow and your self-esteem.
Your wife said that she accidently let slip two years ago you were bi. I turned around and stormed off to our room.
It sucks. I also pointed out that every single one of her relationships ended up being abusive so she had no right to tell me to leave my boyfriend when he'd never lay a finger on me. When you can't control what's happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what's happening.
With women like you out there in the world, why the fuck would anyone settle for less? I am so sorry this has happened to you. Any other friends you have in common likely know. They are not good people (homophobes are not good people), and they don't give a shit about you or your relationship with her. You have every right to your feelings and if the roles were reversed there would still be hurt feelings. Once your sexual history was out in the open and left you vulnerable to her girlfriends judgements, she decided to join in and talk shit about it and mention that she thinks of other men while pleasuring you since it turns her off. Im one of the long time married people commenting in this sub.
I can understand your hurt, and breach of trust, but people act stupid sometimes. The second is more complicated: She does see bisexuality as "unmasculine" or an emasculating trait, however, you cant actively deny her feelings on the subject; theyre just her opinion on it. It's tough because that level of betrayal is seriously enraging, but, do you throw away a good thing? The moment your sexuality became some kind of giggle fodder was when it really crossed the line. She needs to understand that at least. I'm just saying people can be stupid. I dont air out our dirty laundry for anyone else to see, especially when it comes to sex. Tell her that not another drop of alcohol is going to pass her lips from now on, it obviously addles her common sense. Personally I don't think it's bad enough to end a good relationship over but you should make it clear that trying to hide her mistake and belittling you to others to save her self from their scorn is both childish and cruel. You think youre slick enough to hide the resentment and anger but youre not. Saying stupid stuff about your sex life aside, why are you talking about your sex life with your friends at all? My wife and I always have a number one rule at the foundation of our relationship: never say a bad word about each other to anyone else. Im in a similar, but much weirder, relationship (Im actually gay and married to a straight woman, we have an open marriage for our sex life, and a great family home life). Whether or not its just because she got caught, I dont know. She said that was why she made the comment about thinking about Tom during some things we do sexually because she felt they were judging her for being with me. Maybe you could come around trusting her, but i wouldn't trust her friends. Good luck. she needs to stand by you and say that shes proud of you and supports you. Sounds like there needs to be an understanding formed between you guys and what is appropriate conversation with friends. I probably wouldnt have. 1.) Neither is divorce. I could only imagine how crap you feel right now. The friends that she's now claiming are judgemental need to be cut off. I'm sorry you went through this. I just dont believe that all the people who have commented how awful your wife is, have never said things they regret. Wouldnt your wifes friend be able to identify you anyway from the story? I was so suprised how she talked about me to her friends and family..and when I confronted her I had the evidence. How long have you been the butt of their homophobic jokes? Itll be hurtful to both of you for a long time and you probably both need therapy but if you truly do love each other, itll be worth it. While true, sometimes people just want to fit in. I'd be worried what she would do if one or both of their kids are bi or gay. Now this doesnt mean shes a 100% shit person. Id be worried he was sleeping with his friends and Id be scared of what he asked me to do in the bedroom they all giggled.i was FLOORED. I'd be more open about your sexuality; if you've nothing to hide then the nasty wives have nothing to attack.
No. But it's not cool to talk about your spouse like that to fit in and it's definitely not cool to talk about your intimate secrets with other people. They give up so quickly when there's a whole lifetime ahead of joy, wonder and happiness. This doesnt excuse anything. It doesn't matter if her friends judge her for things - she needs to stand up for you as her husband. You feel emasculated about something that's a part of you because you hide it Weirdly plenty of women like men who like men too. At the end of the day, it is you who'll decide what makes you happy not them! She swears she does love our sex life and the things we do and is sorry.
Made her feel embarrassed and she knows that she fucked up. Take your time, make sure you heal on your timeline not hers. Anyone that believes stay for the kids has literally never had any experience as a kid whos parents stayed for them.
I also really dont like how shes the one who initiates/etc yet was making fun of it??
Your sexuality isn't really fodder to take the piss out of. Not one woman was shocked or uncomfortable, just derogatory. You definitely have every right to be upset and angry, but I honestly feel like she is telling you the truth, and they were just unfortunately things you werent supposed to hear.
Yeah Id be pissed about the betrayal of trust. I suggest therapy for you for your feelings and how you want the relationship to proceed. If my wife did this, I doubt I'd ever care to be into intimate with her again. Which means wherever you gothere will be a little voice in the back of your mind wondering if people are judging you or talking shit about you behind your back, I'm not sure how you move forward in this situation but I would suggest individual therapy and couples counseling.as well as asking her to put some distance between her and the people she ran her mouth to, I would suggest individual therapy and couples counseling.as well as asking her to put some distance between her and the people she ran her mouth to. That's just me, though. I'm not defending her actions.
First off, sorry, if a man and woman are doing sexual things together, it isn't gay. That's so fucked man. Women get cold feet around marriage, but she decided to be with you. Imagine it was a really graphic conversation, about all her body parts or how she is bad at oral sex, and it included discussions of your ex-girlfiend for comparison. Remind her of this without judging. Couples therapy is a must, but it is on your wife to earn your trust back. It sounds like she is uncomfortable with discussing issues with you that she thinks will upset you until she has to but by then the damage is already done. You both need support and work towards creating a space where you both can be more honest with one another. Or do you think Ive misunderstood? As long as you are honest with yourself then it will all work out. Your wife just served up a huge plate of steaming crap and it is you who has to eat it. We hung on because we truly love each other and that is what really counts.
Do not let anybody minimize this either. At the very least there's some trust work that will need to be done to rebuild some things.
Who cares.
You can be pissed and hurt and angry for now and work on it. I am a very chill guy. I think you handled that really well. I reckon that weve all said things we wouldnt want our SO to hear at some point. Sending you strength. Those so called friends are not real friends. Hopefully, she falls into a better crowd that is modern and accepting. Hubby is under the bus & she's driving over him again & again unnecessarily!
Be honest anyway. A DAD whose wife and kids stopped talking to him because he was covered in tattoos says he has no regrets. Thats pretty telling. First, I am so sorry she made those statements for whatever the reason. I got halfway through before searching "fake" in the comments. Divorce. If thats true then she needs to work on her confidence to be herself around her friends and nit be pressured to say things to sound cool. Is she going to put them as well and claim she didnt mean it and that she was just drunk or gossiping? Take care of yourself, you have the right to take more time if you need it. Trust your gut, make the proper judgements, and most importantly bounce the fuck back.
Add on the fact that her friends were telling her that Tom was in town - thats another reason she needs to drop the problematic friends. Just the circles I run in a guess. Just here to let you know bi guys are preferable. These fake stories are starting to piss me off. One of my wifes friends was fairly insistent about her divorcing me but honestly it came from a genuine place, its a weird situation and if you cant see how happy we are, I cant blame you for not getting it. My husband is also bi, and I would never mock his sexuality like that. I turned to my wife with a raised eyebrow and announced I guess you didnt have me pegged to be a man that would stand up for himself! And I majestically brushed my cape back and walked right out of the house. All I know is I would never trust my wife ever again after something like this. I don't think this information should have been said. Maybe suggest that. I think that you need a good week to try and think about how you feel, how you're going to be able to contain the gossip and how you move forward with the wife .
There was also probably some truth to her bedroom comments. This crap has been swimming around for TWO FUCKING YEARS. Partners that demand that have no respect for you. Sorry if this is all over the place. In this day and age? Dude, she needs to recognize that her violation of your trust is incredibly bad. She NEVER told me this. Do not just nod your head and move on, demand that you be treated with respect and acknowledged as the great husband you are, not just some bi/gay sexually promiscuous dude who treats her nicer than Tom.. Good luck bro! If its been a long time she maybe used to be that way but not anymore and still knows how to do the diggs they like. Id rather show my support. The best part was, after a couple of months, everything was solved, tadalafile was no longer necessary, I find out she had a hookup during that period. My identity was something I held tight to my chest for years. So no being friends with intolerant halfwits, and no more alcohol. The big question is are you still in love with your wife and enjoy having a family with her? When they reacted a little judgy then she may have backpeddled a bit. If you love her and things work, then your answer is clear. This issue has been going on and at each turn, she chose not to be honest with you. If she does it again then it's a bigger issue but i'm sure this will be a big learning moment for her and you will both be in a better place for it. Sorry bro, no words. She is the one that keeps bringing up your bisexuality to make herself look like the rise to her friends, so she's biphobic as fuck.
How I interpret you feel: she betrayed your trust, she shared your private life, and then made fun of it.
I had no privacy. Also, she may have "let it slip" 2 years ago, but obviously they've all talked about it since. Sorry bro, you got something thinking to do Does it not show a serious weakness in character that she bull shitted like that? They will be lapping up the drama and pushing to be in the loop, believe me. I dunno, this feels like a day time drama and not a real story!
Your marriage is between the two of you. It was never between you and them anyway. We may discuss, ask for suggestions, etc., but we don't laugh about one of us outing someone (not that we'd care) and trashing their sex life. He said if i wanna get together for a drink or whatever to let him know. Then, when I was in the bathroom (just outside of their bedroom door), I could hear them talking about me. I bet you can still hold your head high with them.
It's not a secret, kept in a fault. I told her I was uncomfortable with it. Wife and I have been married 7 years and its literally the marriage everyone wants. The good you do today maybe forgotten tomorrow. It is also extremely concerning that she never told you that Tom approached her before the wedding. If you can't let bygones go after that then take the divorce, but be the better person and give your marriage a chance. I don't thibk this calls for a divorce but itw definitely a violation of trust and deserves to be handled as a serious issue not a minor mistake.
Me: girls, get your better halves and get the fuck out of my house They all pop right up and walk past me. Accept yourself, just try to improve. Youd be second guessing everything they tell you from here in. Id say therapy but honestly no, she knows she fucked up and instead of standing up for you, let it happen. Why was this in turn a secret kept from you? Couples counseling could work but it may also not be necessary, you two could work on it together. I agree, marriage counseling ASAP. This seems to be an unpopular opinion, but I kind of agree with you. I am not open about my sexuality. Kids do the joking crap and make fun of boyfriends, not decent women. Relationship therapy, lots of work, regaining trust. She knows shes an ass, and her friends know their actions were trash.
Lol, yup its amazing how scared people are to just be themselves. It's tough but I would stay just for the kids. She is trying to write this shit off as a mistake. Me: Oh, does (friend) work with Tom? I said this as sarcastically as possible. Are those things outweighed by her indiscrete talking (and her judgemental friends).
My mom wasnt even home, I had forgotten she was on vacation. Judging from what is written it seems that shes as much into it as he is, she needs to be real about that. Has anyone gone through anything similar? If Tom popped back into the picture at any point, Id have told my partner what happened. They were talking about ex-boyfriends and how another mutual friend of them cheated on her husband with an ex-boyfriend because he was better in bed. IN YOUR HOME. If that isn't true, she should dump the friends because no one should have to feel like they have to validate themselves in a relationship to those they trust. Thank you for giving me my laugh for the day haha. I don't know what you should do but I know you shouldn't just roll over and say it's okay.
he was more "passionate" etc. You can't act if you don't know how you feel. Would she throw them under the bus too or try to forbid them from coming out? If it was an accident, she should have come clean when it happened. She's probably just as judgemental as them because people surround themselves with people like themselves. If you don't care about your partner enough to defend them when they aren't there, why the fuck are you even with them?
Oh my god I fucking lost it at your comment. Still, you are gonna have a serious talk and you're gonna have to make her understand this was unacceptable. Do not make them feel you're different because you're not! She has been entertaining this for two years because she can't control her mouth when she's drinking. Its amazing where friendship comes from in the darkest of times. It sounds more like it's a matter of comfort and trust. How horrible she is, violating you, your sex life, envisioning other people. I think that sometimes both men and women have a form of locker room talk with their friends about topics that maybe they arent entirely truthful about with their friends in order to make them feel better. He heard her, not us) about visualizing other men. What drops it a full letter grade for me is that the protagonist is always an Abercrombie model. Honestly the only advice I have is to go for that beer with your friend, he seems to be the only one in the situation treating you decently. Seems like part of the issue here is how ashamed you are of your own sexuality. Its one thing for the wife and her friends to be talking about you, but they were talking about you and laughing. And can think clearly. Do you actually believe that she didn't have any agency? I would not have been able to control myself the same way no doubt. I hope you can work it out. Why would she tell them you enjoy costumes? you sound like a fuckin pussy, enjoy your manliness, as you your wife fucks u in the ass LOL. Can you trust a person like that after all this? Whats going to happen if your kids turn out to be not straight or not Cis? If you can't own up to what you're doing in the bedroom, you aren't mature enough to be doing it. It was lovely that the mate called you and said what he did. I don't know why you'd even give it a B-. She outed you to your group of friends without asking you about it. Your wife have no sense of conjugality. And if they give you a hard time, then fuck em! OP can do better than Tom. 2. You must not lose faith in humanity. I'm not sure how to help you, but your wife needs better friends. To at least one person. Maybe your wife didnt feel comfortable telling her friends that she enjoyed herself because she didnt want to be judged. So she made you the butt of their jokes eventho she actively takes part in your sexlife and enjoys it. You are going to have to shrug this off but your not overacting.
How many people knew about it since she let it slip, considering she's telling the truth and it was only two years ago that she told somebody. I learned that it is usually a sign of people not sharing everything, not saying that is your situation, but she violated your trust and didnt even give you the courtesy of giving you the heads up. Yea, some people are just too worried what their peers think and arent (strong/brave) enough to go against the group. You are both going to be have to go to couples therapy and individual therapy sessions.
Get your better halves and get the fuck out of my house I sniped as I tipped my fedora and winked at my wifes hottest friend who was clearly impressed by my rage erection that had partially split the seam in my relaxed fit Levi 501s. If you two have a solid relationship, you should be able to work through this.
She was pretty happy discussing extremely intimate shit off the cuff in a group. Then throw in this scenario that she was bisexual and the "boys" called her a "butch lesbian who doesn't really like dick.".
Now you know you have to be careful near her, from now on dont expose yourself that much. However you don't have to forgive and forget either; life isn't black and white. I would take a long look to see if this is reconcilable. Shes the one the initiates that kind of sex (pegging, butt play, d/s stuff.none of which is exclusive to bi men btw) most the time! I'm wondering if your lack of fighting in your communication may be related to her not being open and honest with you as you are with her. And her dissing your sexual needs to her friends and I truly understand that it was very hurtful and disrespectful to you and your marriage. As long as they're not being super stupid, 100% in public and then you tell them off in private. It sounds like you're discovering a side of your wife you didn't know about. Remember also that it is okay to feel uncomfortable - instead of fighting these feelings, allow them to just pass through you. Finding this out, I personally dont know if I could get past it. Im so sorry, my jaw hit the floor reading this. This given that she initiates the sex games, and probably will never admit to friends that she enjoys them as a kink to keep the bedroom alive and hot. If everything else is great, and she is genuinely remorseful, and willing to work on your relationship, I don't see why you should write off your life together. You have an issue, address it. I know that your * secret life * is very personal to you, but not many people will be concerned or even bothered about your sexuality. I'm sorry.
My dad was bisexual and if I heard my mother saying shit like that about him Id be livid. Drunk or not, does not excuse their unwarranted behaviour. She seems like a good egg caught in a bad moment however. Another violation of your trust. Did she give me advice? By bringing it up then and making your feelings the most important feelings in the room, you are being childish. When I was married my ex-wife I had a problem with erectile distinction for a few months, due to massive stress at work. She not only outed him, but this obviously wasn't the first time they've discussed this. Whoa. Seems to me that because of her indifference to your feelings, she needs to get rid of those friends because she emasculated you in front of them. That's something only he would and has already been judged for. All I can tell you is that it will all pass in good time, and you deserve better, and if she cant be better it ought to be from someone else. People do stupid shit. That's a lifetime story . So she's been hiding this for a couple years instead of letting him in on all the jokes behind his back. You gotta fuck Tom. I have one person I talk to sometimes about my gf. Second, I am sorry you heard them given that I dont know exactly what it would take to rebuild trust from where you are currently. My conjecture is that she did so because of the above reasons basically to seem cool. I dont know what to do. Never stay with someone because of the kids and don't ban alcohol from your spouse this is terrible advice. Your wife is a pretty disgusting person. Been with each other for roughly 4 years. Would she have ever stood up for you and put her friends in place? Life works in a whelm of duality. Whenever theyre in bed together, the thought of her thinking of other man will show up in his head. Will take her out to nice places, and buy her stuff. It's not their sex life that she discussed, it's HIS sexuality, something he stated he largely kept private. I am not straight, nor am I gay. One of the guys who was there called me and I answered. The biggest thing in my mind is, she shouldn't be saying things to appease her friends because she thinks they'll judge her for being with you. I agree with this comment as a bi person! You're married to the person who should MOST be on your side and she has completely betrayed you for a fucking laugh. I was in a conversation with two other girls about anal sex. Its just so cowardly and shows she's not on your team. I think it's too late for couples counseling. Stay strong man I can only hope you can move on from this with your confidence restored. Your story is isn't as violent, but its just as embarrassing and horrifying to hear. It's terrible. But she also initiates in the bedroom a lot, which means at least the main idea of her bullshit is false. I was pooping and you helped me push from laughing so hard. When people start talking about things that are intimate, sometimes they succumb to the pressure (not necessarily peer pressure in the "tell us, tell us sense, but more the pressure to feel bonded, to feel close to friends) to share things they shouldn't. I mean, what you probably should have done was just walk quietly back to the garage and talk about it in private with your wife later- like an adult. It's not infidelity but to me it sounds just as fucking bad. Your wife probably didn't want to admit in front of her friends that she likes that you're into butt stuff and initiates most of the time. Third, it is really nobody's business if you are Bi, and nobody should care about it anyway. Im so sorry this happened. For years. Those homophobes won't care that he's married to a woman. I packed a bag, kissed the kids goodbye, and told them I was going to grandmas house to help her with something. Rob the "state" of whatever you are going through of its power by giving it zero importance. Dude, I am so sorry.
She said 'girls talk' and she has to have someone to talk to about stuff. There is nothing worse than feeling betrayed by the one person you thought you could trust with anything. i love him but he doesn't excite me the way Tom did. Try distancing yourselves from these particular friends / connections until self estern / acceptance issues are resolved. Yeah. You might want to discuss that during counselling, or maybe with a therapist. Thats the shittiest advice you could give someone. Your refusal to do so speaks to your character. My worst mistake was not breaking up right away. Best of luck, stay happy, and be you (those who disagree can simply get out). Yeah, all of those things are a painful betrayal. I never said a word to anyone because I knew how bad she felt about that. You need a therapist to help you process what you're feeling, you need to process that in your time and she needs to fucking wait for you to do it if she really cares about you. Keep sleeping on it, brother.